Spiked egg nog and strategically placed mistletoe are all well and good. But they’re not the only ways to spread some holiday cheer. Get everyone ho, ho, ho-ing with some of these hysterical holiday tees.
1. “Shitter’s Full.” Come on, nothing says the birth of Jesus like this one!
2. “Sounds Like Somebody Needs to Sing a Christmas Carol.” And if you ask us, one of the happiest ever is “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.” Really, can anyone be mad singing this classic?
3. “Zombie Claus Season’s Greetings.” Zombies are cool no matter what the occasion.
4. “The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All the Bad Girls Live.” Maybe Santa will leave you his address book.
5. “Uh-Oh, Guess What Day Christmas Is on This Year? Oh Yeah!” We know the camel has been banned from schools and workplaces across the country, but seriously, he really is kind of cute. And you’ll look oh-so-trendy.
6. “I Don’t Know What to Say Except It’s Christmas and We’re All in Misery.” We don’t know what to except sometimes the truth is really, really funny.
Ok everybody, civics lesson time: Veterans Day, originally known as Armistice Day, was initially created to honor those who fought in World War I, a.k.a., the “War to End All Wars.” But because the world is rife with haters, a few other altercations like World War II and that spat in Korea came about, and, well, it just seemed wrong not to include those veterans in a day of remembrance too. So in 1954 Armistice Day got redubbed as Veterans Day, and, well, the rest is history as they say. This November 11, celebrate with style. Here, 3 shirts worth saluting:
1. “If you can read, thank a teacher. If you can read in English, thank a marine.”
2. “ ‘Merica. Fuck yeah!”
3. “USA: Back to back world champs.”
Sure, Thanksgiving is all about being in the loving bosom of your family and giving thanks for all your blessings. But it’s also about the food. Here, 3 tshirts to chow down in:
1. “Animals taste good.” Yes, they do. Especially with gravy on top.
2. “Real girls eat meat.” Tell everybody to stop raising their eyebrows and pass the mashed potatoes.
3. “I like pie.” We do too, all varieties. If you get our drift.
We know the jack o’lantern hasn’t even started to rot on the front porch yet, but it’s never too early to start getting your holiday gift list in order–especially for those who are hard to buy for. May we suggest…
1. For the ball and chain: “BITCH. Babe In Total Control of Herself.” Hey, it’s a compliment!
2. For your shrink: “6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.” And Happy is on Prozac.
3. For the neighbor who keeps letting his dog poop in your yard: “Admitting you’re an asshole is the first step.” One caveat: Just watch out for flaming poop on your doorstep.
4. For the little ones: “Just be glad I’m not your kid.”
5. For your “book” club: “Danger. Women drinking.” We belong to book clubs too–we know there’d be no club without the cabernet.
6. For your sister-in-law. “333. Only half evil.” It’s the holidays. You’re trying to be nice.
7. For your brother-in-law: “Big Richard.”
8. For your boss: “Doesn’t play well with others.” Just don’t give it till you get your Christmas bonus.
9. For the sports fan: “Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.”
10. For your best bud: “I am not Santa but you can sit on my lap.” A tshirt and a ticket to a cheap thrill…he’ll think you’re the best friend ever.
One look at our selection of tees and you know that we love boobs and booze. But a little known fact is that we also love bears, beavers, badgers and other cute critters. Here, some of our favorite tshirts featuring our furry friends from the animal kingdom:
1. “#1 Threat to America: Bears.”
2. “Bear + Deer = Beer.”
3. “I love cats. But I can’t eat a whole one.”
4. “Honey badger don’t care.”
5. “Cougar hunter.”
6. “I love shaved beaver.”
7. “It’s all fun and games until someone loses a nut.”
8. “My weiner does tricks.”
Last we checked there was no cure for cancer, antibiotic resistance was running rampant and little things like diabetes, heart disease and obesity were killing millions. But thank God scientists have taken the time to discover that mankind likes to look at women’s breasts, and the bigger the cup size, the longer the stare. Yep, we can’t make this stuff, up. Scientists actually put eye-tracking sensors on men and women and had them look at various pictures of the female form. Seems as though the subjects spent more time looking in the general direction of the chest than the face, legs, etc. Talk about your eureka moments! Celebrate this momentous finding with one of our boob-loving shirts:
1. “Don’t forget this is national breast awareness month. We stare because we care.”
2. “Things men know about women. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Women have breasts.”
3. “My those boobs look heavy. May I hold them for you?”
4. “I love boobs.”
5. “Boobs make me smile.”
There are just a few weeks until Christmas. You could spend that time obsessing about what to wear to all those holiday parties, going on some crazy crash diet to fit into the LBD or some Robin Thicke-esque suit. Or you could just pick out one of our fun, festive and figure-forgiving tees! Here, a holiday roundup:
1. “Griswold Christmas: Where Are You Going to Put a Tree That Big?”
2. “Merry Christmas You Politically Correct Bastard.”
3. “I Kissed Santa.”
4. “Three Wise Men…You Can’t Be Serious.”
5. “I’m Not Santa (But You Can Still Sit on My Lap).”
6. “Sit on My Lap to Get Your Present.”
7. “I Don’t Know What to Say Except It’s Christmas and We’re All in Misery.”
Victoria’s Secret recently debuted its $10 million Fantasy Bra, replete with 4,200 precious gems and a very modest (Not!) 52-carat ruby pendant. The very stunning bra is made only more stunning by holding up the girls of supermodel Candice Swanepoel. If you have to cover up this beauty (the bra, not Candice) and, to be honest, we’re not sure you ever really should, may we suggest some appropriate options:
1. “Boobies Make Me Smile.” Candice, your boobies in that bra make us really, really smile.
2. “I Love Boobs.” Well, right back atcha!
3. “My Boobs. You Like This.” Of course we do! We may be insane, but we’re not stupid.
A Michigan man recently made the news when he bought the house next door to his ex-wife’s and proceeded to erect a 12-foot high statue of the glorious and expressive middle finger directed at her domicile. We gotta say, that’s pretty rad, but probably something that may draw a few complaints from the homeowners’ association. We hear ya, Mr. Flip-Her-Off, love can be a bitch, but why not say it with a shirt instead of a statue? The pros: That FU sentiment follows you when you run into her walking the dog or cutting the grass, wearing an, err, spirited shirt shouldn’t violate any of your community’s bylaws (you’re protected under the Constitution) and our tees don’t require thrice-yearly power washings. Just a quick wash and dry should do the trick to keep the shirt clean, even if the sentiment isn’t. Some suggestions?
1. Simon Says Go Fuck Yourself.
2. Fuck You. Have a Nice Day.
3. Fuck You You Fucking Fuck.
4. I Wasn’t Born with Enough Middle Fingers to Let You Know How I Feel.
5. I Used to Be Fucking Stupid. But Then We Broke Up.
Grab your stovepipe hats and 5 dollar bills everyone! Today, November 19, is the 150th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address, one of the briefest (just 10 sentences consisting of 272 words spoken in two minutes) and immortal of all speeches. What better way to honor the man and the time with our tshirts featuring Lincoln. One that seems imminently appropriate: A seated Lincoln declaring, “Be Excellent to Each Other.” Looking for a little more political edge? How about our shirt picturing a puzzled Lincoln asking, “What Do You Mean Press One for English?” Oh Abe, you always had a way with words.