Let’s face facts: Life can be a downer. Kate Upton won’t give you the time of day, you owe money on your taxes and it simply will NOT stop snowing in two-thirds of the country. What’s a guy to do? Grab a Roadkill tshirt and put on a smile, that’s what. Yep, it’s that easy. Here, we present 10 of our funniest shirts, sure to brighten the bleakest of days.
1. National Apathy Society. Become a member…or don’t.
2. My those boobs look heavy. May I hold them for you?
3. Nothing says “I mean business” like using a cart at the liquor store.
4. I used to be f*cking stupid…but then we broke up.
5. Gambler’s Anonymous. I bet I can quit!
6. Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
7. If I wanted to hear an asshole speak I would have farted.
8. I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
9. I’m good in bed. I can sleep all day.
10. Spooning may lead to forking.
On this eve of Valentine’s Day, we thought it appropriate to look through our vault and pick out some of our most romantic tees of all time. Like rose petals on satin sheets, these shirts speak of love and lust. Enjoy!
1. “I’m totally into Cheap, Meaningless Sex.” Can’t get any more direct than that!
2. “Will Buy Drinks for Sex.” Beers + Babes = Booty.
3. “Orgasm Donor.” Yep, and just like giving blood, you get free juice, too.
4. “Weekend Forecast: Mostly Wasted with a Slight Chance of Getting Laid.” We’re on cloud nine!
5. “Blow Job. The Only Job I’ll Ever Love.” Gotta agree Mr. Johnson!
Well, it’s Friday. The week has been long, the weather has been horrendous and you’re ready to kick back and enjoy the weekend with some bros, some babes and some beers. Need a shirt to evoke that, “I’m ready to party” feeling? Try one of these on for size:
1.This beer is making me awesome.
2. Alcohol. Firearms. Tobacco. Who’s bringing the chips?
3. Beer. The reason I get up in the morning.
4. Attention ladies: I’m only here for the beer.
5. Frank the tank.
6. Alcohol. Because no great story starts with a salad.
7. For a good time, just add beer.
Note to self: Do not relieve yourself on the head of a cop. An Upstate New York man found that out the hard way when he peed off the staircase (and onto the head and face of a police officer) at a frat party. The poor officer had to be treated at the hospital for bodily fluid exposure. Really? Gee whiz.
Hail to the Chiefs! Presidents’ Day will be observed this year on February 17. Pay homage to all things presidential with these political tees:
1. Curly for President.
2. Miss Me Yet?
3. What Do You Mean Press One for English?
4. Be Excellent to Each Other.
5. “A Government Big Enough to Give You Everything You Want is Big Enough to Take Away Everything You Have.” Thomas Jefferson
6. I Was Anti-Obama Before It Was Cool.
Seems like it’s customary for the Olympic athletes to flex more than muscle during the games. Hook ups are not uncommon, and in an effort to stem the spew, the International Olympic Committee is handing out over 100,000 condoms to the athletes during the Winter Games (and for the record, only about 2,800 athletes will be competing, so that’s a pretty horny bunch). Talk about domestic and foreign relations! Keep the torches burning!
Two mega milestones are taking place this week. Let’s give it up for G.I. Joe, who turns 50, and the Beatles (or what’s left of them), who are celebrating their 50th anniversary of their Ed Sullivan Show broadcast. So all together now, a 21-gun salute!
As we here at Roadkill Tshirts like to say, “It’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.” We bring this up for a reason. A 92-year-old Arizona motorist apparently struck and injured a jogger with her Lincoln Town car, but instead of stopping she kept going. It was a classic case of hit and runs, boasted a Daily News headline. Because of the urgency of her (bowel) matter, the motorist felt she had no choice but to hightail it from the scene. She found a nearby grocery store where she proceeded to evacuate–oh yeah, and pick up a package of dinner rolls for a church potluck supper later that night. She says she did drive back to the corner where she struck the jogger (who by that point had been taken to the hospital for bruises and stitches), but no one was there. Police finally tracked her down, thanks to an astute bystander who got her plate number. And for the record—no, they didn’t find her on the toilet.
You have one week before Valentine’s Day and guys, we don’t have to tell you that there will be no booty without the looty. Skip the perfume aisle and the jewelry case, the candy shelves and flower shops. Here, 4 reasons why our shirts make awesome Valentine’s Day Gifts:
1. They won’t make her fat. You know how this goes—you spend a fortune on some imported chocolate and she goes, “That’s nice, but I can’t eat it. It will make me fat.” Or worse, she does eat it and when she can’t fit into her skinny jeans she blames you. This candy thing is a game you just can’t win. Stick with a (sweet) tee.
2. They keep on giving. Flowers die. Perfume fades. But our tshirts keep on bringing a smile to her face wearing after wearing.
3. They say it better than Hallmark ever could. Cards are sappy. But out tees are snappy! Tell her you think she’s amazing with a shirt that says, “Don’t blame me. I was born awesome” or super hot with our “Weapons of Mass Distraction” tee.
4. They’re easier to slip off than a negligee. Just lift and pull. That simple.
This February 14th, let the world know what you love! Here, 14 shirts to fall in love with:
1. I love me. You should too.
2. I love scotch, scotchy, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly.
3. I love mullets.
4. I love my bartender.
5. Blow job. The only job I’ll ever love.
6. I love my red cup. Let’s have a party.
7. I love boobs.
8. I love the sound you make when you shut up.
9. Maybe it’s the beer talking, but I want you to know I love beer.
10. I love a shaved beaver.
11. I love the morning ride.
12. I love cats. But I can’t eat a whole one.
13. I love bacon.
14. I love shoes, booze and boys with tattoos.