If you like morning sex than we have the breakfast for you: Vagina Toast! Yep, you read that right. A company called Burnt Impressions is hawking a toaster that imprints the pattern of a vagina onto your bread. Try it with some sausage–delish!
We don’t really care what side of the political fence you stand on, you gotta admit Michelle Obama is rockin’ 50. Those arms! Those bangs! Those dance moves! (Pay attention Miley.) So to help the FLOTUS celebrate turning 50, we’ve chosen 3 special birthday tees. Enjoy Michelle. And thanks for making fifty look fabulous!
1. “Despite the Economic Downturn, I’m Still a Hot Item.” Yes Michelle, you are a Dow Wowwwzzzer!
2. “Caught You Looking.” Yep, and they weren’t just beefy Secret Service guys, either.
3. “You’re Only as Old as the Girl You Feel.” Miche, we’re pretty sure they gave you that AARP card by accident.
It’s less than 30 days till Valentine’s Day, and we know you don’t want to be sitting at home on February 14th, all lovelorn. Now’s the time to get noticed and to bowl her over with your sheer awesomeness. Here, 7 shirts that will reel her in (or at least peek her interest):
1. Here I Am. Now What Are Your Other Two Wishes.
2. I’ve Got a Dig Bick. You That Read Wrong. You Read That Wrong Too.
3. Got Me? I’ll Do Your Body Good.
4. I Meet or Exceed Expectations.
5. I Can Do All Those Things Your Boyfriend Can’t.
6. I’m Magically Delicious!
7. Orgasm Donor.
But only if it’s in Newport Beach, California. Besides the fact that there’s a chance I might get to work with a Bay Watch Babe, I also might get the chance to earn over $100,000 (four lifeguards in the town made more than the town’s 2012 median household income of $109,677). Not bad for working on your tan and giving some celebs mouth-to-mouth every now and again!
The Sochi Olympics are just a few weeks away, and while it’s probably too late to petition the Olympic Committee to include beer pong or cow tipping or mailbox baseball as official sports, we have our uniforms all ready for next time. Move over trampolining, race walking and canoeing slalom. You will have competition in the weird-sports department next time around!
1. Beer Pong Champion.
2. All County Mailbox Baseball Champion
3. Duck Duck Goose State Champion
4. All County Team Cow Tipping.
“Blue,” the apt named peacock at a Chicago-area zoo, is apparently a real bird brain. He recently flew the (heated) coop during the Polar Vortex that has descended on much of the nation and set up residence in a nearby tree–where his feet promptly froze to a branch in -12 degree weather. Zookeepers and Chicago firefighters had to be called in to rescue the fowl. Bet you had them seeing red, Blue. Definitely not your proudest moment.
Okay, we’re not gonna judge. Call Phil Robertson whatever you will (and there’s a whoooole lot you can call him), but the fact of the matter is the A&E show that highlights his life and business is unbelievably (emphasis on unbelievably) successful. So what do you wear when you hunker down to watch the guys with weird beards? Here, 4 shirts that make for perfect duck-watching duds:
1. Frunk as Duck
2. Duck Duck Goose State Champion
3. Beards. They Grow on You
4. Happy Happy Happy
Doesn’t matter how much natural ability God has graced them with, some professional athletes will always play dirty. Take the New York Knicks guard J. R. Williams, for example. He was caught (twice!) untying the shoelaces of players on the opposing team, and was fined $50K for doing so. Come on J.R. We know an “accident” can be a slumping athlete’s best friend, but you’re taking things a step (pun intended) too far. Step away from the laces, J.R., and just play the damn game already!
Unless you live in Hawaii (or under a rock) we don’t have to tell you that it’s cold outside. Thanks to this thing called a polar vortex (aka, Arctic air that swirls about), the average temp in the U.S. today is a mere 23.1 degrees. So how can you look as cool as the weather? With a chillin’ Roadkill tshirt. Here, 6 snappy styles:
1. Cool HHHWIP
2. Don’t be jealous just cuz I’m a little cooler
3. This is what cool looks like
4. Cool, like the other side of the pillow
5. I’m cooler than anybody here
6. Cool as ice
Cool beans! We learned a new term this week–polar vortex. According to Al Roker and the like, it’s a blast of arctic air that circulates in a cyclone pattern and causes temperatures to dip ridiculously low. It’s estimated that some 187 million of us could be affected by this polar whirlwind thingy, causing temps to dip to -16 in Chicago, -13 in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and a mere 8 degrees in Atlanta. But before you get yourself wound tighter than a woolen scarf, relax. Mother Nature blows hot and cold. The big thaw is coming this weekend, when temps ricochet back into the double-digits. Toss the mittens and break out the tshirts!