Given that this year’s Super Bowl teams—the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos—are representing the only two states in the union that have legalized marijuana use, we’re betting some things will get lit up this Sunday, and we’re not talking the scoreboard or Peyton Manning after Richard Sherman intercepts one of his passes. Nope. We’re talking about some good old-fashioned weed that will get passed around like a football. So to all our friends in Colorado and Washington, enjoy your beer, your brats and your baby bhang during this year’s Super Stoner Bowl. And may the best team win.
Justin Beiber has been in a heap of trouble lately. Drag racing. Driving under the influence. Underage drinking. Using drugs. Resisting arrest. And that was just this week! Beibs, we know you’re now officially a thug, but the orange jump suit has to get washed at some point, right? When it does, may we suggest some of the following Roadkill tshirts that will have you looking every bit the bad boy you are!
1. “If You See Da Police Warn a Brother.”
2. “Better Call Saul. Saul Goodman, Attorney at Law.”
3. “Bad Influence.”
4. “I Just Want to Drink and Make Bad Choices.”
5. “Every Great Idea I Have Gets Me in Trouble.”
6. “I Don’t Get Drunk. I Get Awesome.”
7. “I Make Inappropriate Choices When I Drink.”
8. “I’ll See You at My Intervention.”
9. “Do Not Arrest This Person.”
10. “It Wasn’t Me.”
The Sochi winter Olympics are right around the corner, and when America’s Olympic athletes come marching in for the opening ceremonies, there will be no mistaking them. That’s because they’ll be wearing a garish, hard-to-ignore Ralph Lauren-designed sweater that is a hodge-podge (the company likes to call it a patchwork, but that is too nice a word) of styles. Let’s just say there are stars, stripes, flags and Olympic rings aplenty emblazoned on the sweater–the kind of thing Betsy Ross may have knit for Clark Griswold had he been going to Sochi. But let’s look at the bright side, shall we? A huge fire will be a burnin’ at the opening ceremonies when the Olympic flame is lit. Keep it burning with an ugly sweater or two, will ya guys?
Thanks to Esquire magazine and its poll of over 1,000 men, we now have unprecedented insight into the inner workings of a man. The magazine unearthed all kinds of cool facts–like most men say “I love you” at least once a day and very few have gotten manicures. But what we loved the most were some of the more offbeat findings. Here, 4 highlights we couldn’t resist sharing:
1. Twenty-four percent have masturbated at work. How’s that for hard labor!
2. Sixty-two percent have farted loudly in front of others in the last month. For the love of God, watch what you eat for lunch fellas!
3. Eighty-three percent have picked their noses in the last 30 days. Really? We thought it’d be higher.
4. Forty-four percent don’t care about being perceived as normal. Good. Because if you’re cleaning your rifle at work or backfiring out of your boxers in front of others, you really aren’t normal.
The Beibernator is officially a bad boy–and he has the (growing) rap sheet to prove it! His latest foray into criminal activity? Jay Bee recently got arrested for drag racing and driving while under the influence. That’s all bad enough, but please Mr. Officer, can you arrest the guy on stupidity charges? Justin apparently was racing a hard-to-miss yellow Lamborghini down a residential street quite near a firehouse about 4 in the morning. Yeah, no one’s gonna mind that. Oh baby Biebs, we don’t care how many eggs you throw or F bombs you launch or paternity suits you’re slapped with. We don’t care how many paparazzi you assault or beers you drink while underage or kitchen mop buckets you pee in. We don’t care how many tattooes you get or baseball caps you wear backwards or even mug shots you smile through (and yes, he was smiling in this one). You’re no tough guy and we’d fear for you in prison. Stick with just committing crimes against music, will ya?
If you like morning sex than we have the breakfast for you: Vagina Toast! Yep, you read that right. A company called Burnt Impressions is hawking a toaster that imprints the pattern of a vagina onto your bread. Try it with some sausage–delish!
We don’t really care what side of the political fence you stand on, you gotta admit Michelle Obama is rockin’ 50. Those arms! Those bangs! Those dance moves! (Pay attention Miley.) So to help the FLOTUS celebrate turning 50, we’ve chosen 3 special birthday tees. Enjoy Michelle. And thanks for making fifty look fabulous!
1. “Despite the Economic Downturn, I’m Still a Hot Item.” Yes Michelle, you are a Dow Wowwwzzzer!
2. “Caught You Looking.” Yep, and they weren’t just beefy Secret Service guys, either.
3. “You’re Only as Old as the Girl You Feel.” Miche, we’re pretty sure they gave you that AARP card by accident.
It’s less than 30 days till Valentine’s Day, and we know you don’t want to be sitting at home on February 14th, all lovelorn. Now’s the time to get noticed and to bowl her over with your sheer awesomeness. Here, 7 shirts that will reel her in (or at least peek her interest):
1. Here I Am. Now What Are Your Other Two Wishes.
2. I’ve Got a Dig Bick. You That Read Wrong. You Read That Wrong Too.
3. Got Me? I’ll Do Your Body Good.
4. I Meet or Exceed Expectations.
5. I Can Do All Those Things Your Boyfriend Can’t.
6. I’m Magically Delicious!
7. Orgasm Donor.
But only if it’s in Newport Beach, California. Besides the fact that there’s a chance I might get to work with a Bay Watch Babe, I also might get the chance to earn over $100,000 (four lifeguards in the town made more than the town’s 2012 median household income of $109,677). Not bad for working on your tan and giving some celebs mouth-to-mouth every now and again!
The Sochi Olympics are just a few weeks away, and while it’s probably too late to petition the Olympic Committee to include beer pong or cow tipping or mailbox baseball as official sports, we have our uniforms all ready for next time. Move over trampolining, race walking and canoeing slalom. You will have competition in the weird-sports department next time around!
1. Beer Pong Champion.
2. All County Mailbox Baseball Champion
3. Duck Duck Goose State Champion
4. All County Team Cow Tipping.