Oh really Kate Winslet, any Tom, Dick or Harry would have done. But no, you had to get all Wild Kingdom on us and name your sweet baby boy Bear. Seriously, have the pregnancy hormones made you go soft in the head? We’d expect this kind of behavior from the likes of Miley Cyrus and Brittany Spears. But you’re too classy, too refined for this nonsense. If you love bears so much why not pay homage to the great species with famous bear names like Winnie, Yogi, Ted or even Fozzie and Boo-Boo? Naming a baby bear (which, by the way, ranks number 7 on the top dog names for 2013), is akin to naming him ape, opoosum or bone-eating snot flower (yes there is such a thing–look it up). But I guess we can’t expect much more when the dad’s name is Ned Rocknroll (and no, we didn’t spell that wrong). People, get over yourselves. We know you’re a mega Hollywood star, but why not do something REALLY crazy and shocking and act normal! Now that would make some headlines. So would using one of our awesome tees as swaddling for the dear Baby Bear. Some suggestions:
1, #1 Threat to America. Bears.
2. Real Bear Hugs Are Often Fatal.
3. What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger. Except For Bears. Bears Will Kill You.
4. Bear + Deer = Funny.
Miley Cyrus is best known for her twerking ass. But second up is her very long tongue. Why does it get so much out-of-mouth play? Because (and this is really funny), says Miley, she feels nervous and awkward when she’s being photographed and she doesn’t know what else to do. Oh Smiley Miley, is there no body part you haven’t wagged before the camera. Let’s leave something (anything, please!) to the imagination.
So a new study has found that one in two hundred women report being pregnant and giving birth without (drum roll please) EVER HAVING SEX! That’s right–45 of 7,870 women had immaculate conceptions! Move over Mary, you have competition. How can this be, you ask? Well, we asked too. And the only possible explanation we can come up with is that sex education in this country stinks. Oh, where’s Masters and Johnson when you need them!
Why should ugly sweaters have all the fun this holiday season? If you want to wear something fugly this Christmas, at least make it funny. Host a tacky tee party and see what kind of laughs these spirited shirts will get you:
1. “Shitter’s Full.” Seriously, few things that celebrate the birth of baby Jesus could be tackier.
2. “Merry F*ucking Christmas.” So rude, it’s funny.
3. “Even Santa Enjoys a Little Porn.” Do not confuse Santa with Saint Nick. Apparently, Santa is no saint.
4.” I Want You to Look Him Straight in the Eye, and I Want You to Tell Him What a Cheap, Lying, No-Good, Rotten, Four-Flushing, Low-Life, Snake-Licking, Dirt-Eating, Inbred, Overstuffed, Ignorant …” A pretty gross tee from a grossly funny movie.
5. “You know You’ve Been Bad When Santa …” Ummm. Ewwwwwww.
You don’t have to explain it to us–there are dozens of reasons why you might not be in the holiday spirit, and we understand every single one of them. But the last thing you need is someone telling you, “Come on! It’s Christmas. Be merry.” You could spit in their eggnog, but why not just wear one of our ba-humbug tees that give off that “If you don’t leave me alone I’ll shove that candy cane up your ass” vibe? Here, 5 perfect choices:
1. I hate Christmas
2. Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry F*cking Christmas
3. Merry Christmas A**hole
4. Merry F*ucking Christmas
5. Santa Is Satan Spelled Inside Out
Miley is all over the press, but all over the flesh? Yep. One crazed Cyrus fan has a total of 22 (and climbing, we’re sure) tattoos, sporting Miley’s picture, signature, song lyrics and more from his neck to his knuckles to his calves. He even has the word obsessed inked on his forearm. We have two words for this bit of showmanship: freak show! Pity the woman (and call us crazy, but we’re betting it won’t be Miley) who ends up with this piece of (art) work.
A Michigan man was arrested after he hit his mom in the face “5 or 6 times” while they were decorating the family Christmas tree. His mom suffered a bloody nose and swollen lip and eye. Seems as though the fellow was enraged when he saw an ornament that had his brother’s name on it, while his thoughtless mom never bothered to get him a personalized one. Newsflash Holiday Heavyweight: It’s Christmas. You’re supposed to string lights, not punch them out. And besides, boxing day isn’t till December 26th. Bet your bro will have this awesome “I’m Mom’s Favorite” tee under his tree this year.
Have you curd the news? According to a new BabyCenter.com poll, nine American babies (and trust us, that’s nine too many) have been named cheese. No, not Brie. Not Bleu. Not Camembert. Just cheese. As in, “I’ll take a ham and cheese on rye, skip the mustard.” Oh people, we love a sharp piece of Provolone and a creamy Havarti as much as the next guy. But we like our cheese in the form of a block, not a baby.
Well, the 2014 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame voting is complete: Kiss, Nirvana, Hall & Oates, Peter Gabriel, Linda Ronstadt and Cat Stevens will join the 719 people already inducted into the Hall of Fame. We’re a little in shock that Kiss, a band that’s been around for some four decades, hasn’t already been inducted before now. But alas, things are never as black and white as they seem.
What will Nelson Mandela’s funeral be remembered for? Not the outpouring of genuine love for the man nor the four-plus hours of tributes and dedications. Nope. It will be remembered for the infamous selfie Obama and Prime Ministers David Cameron and Helle Thorning-Schmidt took on Helle’s smart phone. We here at Roadkill have a selfie, schmelfie attitude (although wouldn’t it have been great if Raul Castro photobombed the picture!). But the rest of the world seems to be shuttering over the shutterbugging. To them we say: Smile and show your good side. We’re pretty sure Nelson, the winner of a Nobel Peace Prize, wouldn’t appreciate the bickering.