But only if it’s in Newport Beach, California. Besides the fact that there’s a chance I might get to work with a Bay Watch Babe, I also might get the chance to earn over $100,000 (four lifeguards in the town made more than the town’s 2012 median household income of $109,677). Not bad for working on your tan and giving some celebs mouth-to-mouth every now and again!
The Sochi Olympics are just a few weeks away, and while it’s probably too late to petition the Olympic Committee to include beer pong or cow tipping or mailbox baseball as official sports, we have our uniforms all ready for next time. Move over trampolining, race walking and canoeing slalom. You will have competition in the weird-sports department next time around!
1. Beer Pong Champion.
2. All County Mailbox Baseball Champion
3. Duck Duck Goose State Champion
4. All County Team Cow Tipping.
“Blue,” the apt named peacock at a Chicago-area zoo, is apparently a real bird brain. He recently flew the (heated) coop during the Polar Vortex that has descended on much of the nation and set up residence in a nearby tree–where his feet promptly froze to a branch in -12 degree weather. Zookeepers and Chicago firefighters had to be called in to rescue the fowl. Bet you had them seeing red, Blue. Definitely not your proudest moment.
Okay, we’re not gonna judge. Call Phil Robertson whatever you will (and there’s a whoooole lot you can call him), but the fact of the matter is the A&E show that highlights his life and business is unbelievably (emphasis on unbelievably) successful. So what do you wear when you hunker down to watch the guys with weird beards? Here, 4 shirts that make for perfect duck-watching duds:
1. Frunk as Duck
2. Duck Duck Goose State Champion
3. Beards. They Grow on You
4. Happy Happy Happy
Doesn’t matter how much natural ability God has graced them with, some professional athletes will always play dirty. Take the New York Knicks guard J. R. Williams, for example. He was caught (twice!) untying the shoelaces of players on the opposing team, and was fined $50K for doing so. Come on J.R. We know an “accident” can be a slumping athlete’s best friend, but you’re taking things a step (pun intended) too far. Step away from the laces, J.R., and just play the damn game already!
Unless you live in Hawaii (or under a rock) we don’t have to tell you that it’s cold outside. Thanks to this thing called a polar vortex (aka, Arctic air that swirls about), the average temp in the U.S. today is a mere 23.1 degrees. So how can you look as cool as the weather? With a chillin’ Roadkill tshirt. Here, 6 snappy styles:
1. Cool HHHWIP
2. Don’t be jealous just cuz I’m a little cooler
3. This is what cool looks like
4. Cool, like the other side of the pillow
5. I’m cooler than anybody here
6. Cool as ice
Cool beans! We learned a new term this week–polar vortex. According to Al Roker and the like, it’s a blast of arctic air that circulates in a cyclone pattern and causes temperatures to dip ridiculously low. It’s estimated that some 187 million of us could be affected by this polar whirlwind thingy, causing temps to dip to -16 in Chicago, -13 in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and a mere 8 degrees in Atlanta. But before you get yourself wound tighter than a woolen scarf, relax. Mother Nature blows hot and cold. The big thaw is coming this weekend, when temps ricochet back into the double-digits. Toss the mittens and break out the tshirts!
The flu season is starting to ramp up. According to the Centers for Disease Control, 10 states, most in the southeast, are reporting widespread flu outbreaks, and swine flu is responsible for 95 percent of it. So if a pig’s got you down, there’s only one thing to do: Fight back with bacon. Here, 6 feel-fine-with-the-swine shirts!
1. Bacon Makes Everything Better
2. Push Button. Receive Bacon
4. I Support Bacon
5. I Love Bacon
6. Enjoy Bacon
With the fourth season of the wildly popular British series Downton Abbey set to air in a few days, we got to thinking about one of the main characters, Lady Mary Crawley. Oh sure, she looks good in her empire-waist dresses and cloche hats from the early twentieth century. But when she wants to just hang around and get all comfy, what do you think she’d like to pair with her knickers? Well, if she were living in the 21st century, we’re pretty sure it would be an awesomely soft and spirited Roadkill tshirt. How about one of the following, m’lady?
1. Calm Down, Take a Deep Breath and Hold It for About 20 Minutes.
2. Common Sense Is Like Deodorant. The People Who Need It Most Never Use It.
3. How Do I Block You in Real Life?
4. It’s Not Easy Being the “Perfect Bitch.”
5. Yet Despite the Look on My Face, You Are Still Talking.
6. Yes I’m Single. You’re Gonna Have to Be AMAZING to Change That.
7. Yes I’m a Bitch. Just Not Yours.
Lines were long in Colorado on New Year’s Day where recreational marijuana has just become legal. Twenty four shops licensed to sell the funny stuff were open for burnout business and, according to all accounts, things were booming. Even the high price tag didn’t deter customers, who, perhaps due to pot-induced memory loss, may have failed to recognize that the combustible herbage was fetching prices three times higher than its street value. Wastoids of America take note: Stash a few extra bills in your wallet to make sure you have money for munchies post smoke. Ojay?