A Michigan man was arrested after he hit his mom in the face “5 or 6 times” while they were decorating the family Christmas tree. His mom suffered a bloody nose and swollen lip and eye. Seems as though the fellow was enraged when he saw an ornament that had his brother’s name on it, while his thoughtless mom never bothered to get him a personalized one. Newsflash Holiday Heavyweight: It’s Christmas. You’re supposed to string lights, not punch them out. And besides, boxing day isn’t till December 26th. Bet your bro will have this awesome “I’m Mom’s Favorite” tee under his tree this year.
Have you curd the news? According to a new BabyCenter.com poll, nine American babies (and trust us, that’s nine too many) have been named cheese. No, not Brie. Not Bleu. Not Camembert. Just cheese. As in, “I’ll take a ham and cheese on rye, skip the mustard.” Oh people, we love a sharp piece of Provolone and a creamy Havarti as much as the next guy. But we like our cheese in the form of a block, not a baby.
Well, the 2014 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame voting is complete: Kiss, Nirvana, Hall & Oates, Peter Gabriel, Linda Ronstadt and Cat Stevens will join the 719 people already inducted into the Hall of Fame. We’re a little in shock that Kiss, a band that’s been around for some four decades, hasn’t already been inducted before now. But alas, things are never as black and white as they seem.
What will Nelson Mandela’s funeral be remembered for? Not the outpouring of genuine love for the man nor the four-plus hours of tributes and dedications. Nope. It will be remembered for the infamous selfie Obama and Prime Ministers David Cameron and Helle Thorning-Schmidt took on Helle’s smart phone. We here at Roadkill have a selfie, schmelfie attitude (although wouldn’t it have been great if Raul Castro photobombed the picture!). But the rest of the world seems to be shuttering over the shutterbugging. To them we say: Smile and show your good side. We’re pretty sure Nelson, the winner of a Nobel Peace Prize, wouldn’t appreciate the bickering.
Wow parents, we’re super impressed with all the crazy elf escapades you document for us on Facebook and Instagram all holiday season long. A shelf just seems too mundane for your little guy. But if you’re not satisfied with perching Santa’s scout on a mere shelf, why are you satisfied letting him wear that uncreative, almost-nerdy red elf suit? We have better options. Tomorrow morning, we want to see pictures of your impish little sprite wearing something with swag, like a really awesome Roadkill tshirt. Some fly suggestions:
1. Naughty But Nice.
2. Merry F*cking Christmas.
3. Shitter’s Full.
4. I Don’t Know What to Say Except It’s Christmas and We’re All in Misery.
5. Santa Is Satan Spelled Inside Out.
6. Son of a Nutcracker.
What do you give the person who has everything? Socks, of course. But let’s face facts: Socks are great when your feet are cold, but as a gift, socks suck. A far better choice for that hard-to-buy-for cousin or in-law is a fun, fabulous tee. Here, 5 shirts that make way better gifts than socks.
1. “Well, another day has passed and I didn’t use algebra once.” Everyone who has gotten through eighth grade will high-five you with this awesome shirt.
2. “I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.” For the person who can put a spin on anything.
3. “I’m not always right. But I’m never wrong.” Hard to argue with reason.
4. “Bacon makes everything better!” Like we said above.
5. “It wasn’t me.” Here’s a shirt they’ll want to wear day in, day out.
Spiked egg nog and strategically placed mistletoe are all well and good. But they’re not the only ways to spread some holiday cheer. Get everyone ho, ho, ho-ing with some of these hysterical holiday tees.
1. “Shitter’s Full.” Come on, nothing says the birth of Jesus like this one!
2. “Sounds Like Somebody Needs to Sing a Christmas Carol.” And if you ask us, one of the happiest ever is “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.” Really, can anyone be mad singing this classic?
3. “Zombie Claus Season’s Greetings.” Zombies are cool no matter what the occasion.
4. “The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All the Bad Girls Live.” Maybe Santa will leave you his address book.
5. “Uh-Oh, Guess What Day Christmas Is on This Year? Oh Yeah!” We know the camel has been banned from schools and workplaces across the country, but seriously, he really is kind of cute. And you’ll look oh-so-trendy.
6. “I Don’t Know What to Say Except It’s Christmas and We’re All in Misery.” We don’t know what to say except sometimes the truth is really, really funny.
Ok everybody, civics lesson time: Veterans Day, originally known as Armistice Day, was initially created to honor those who fought in World War I, a.k.a., the “War to End All Wars.” But because the world is rife with haters, a few other altercations like World War II and that spat in Korea came about, and, well, it just seemed wrong not to include those veterans in a day of remembrance too. So in 1954 Armistice Day got redubbed as Veterans Day, and, well, the rest is history as they say. This November 11, celebrate with style. Here, 3 shirts worth saluting:
1. “If you can read, thank a teacher. If you can read in English, thank a marine.”
2. “ ‘Merica. Fuck yeah!”
3. “USA: Back to back world champs.”
Sure, Thanksgiving is all about being in the loving bosom of your family and giving thanks for all your blessings. But it’s also about the food. Here, 3 tshirts to chow down in:
1. “Animals taste good.” Yes, they do. Especially with gravy on top.
2. “Real girls eat meat.” Tell everybody to stop raising their eyebrows and pass the mashed potatoes.
3. “I like pie.” We do too, all varieties. If you get our drift.
We know the jack o’lantern hasn’t even started to rot on the front porch yet, but it’s never too early to start getting your holiday gift list in order–especially for those who are hard to buy for. May we suggest…
1. For the ball and chain: “BITCH. Babe In Total Control of Herself.” Hey, it’s a compliment!
2. For your shrink: “6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.” And Happy is on Prozac.
3. For the neighbor who keeps letting his dog poop in your yard: “Admitting you’re an asshole is the first step.” One caveat: Just watch out for flaming poop on your doorstep.
4. For the little ones: “Just be glad I’m not your kid.”
5. For your “book” club: “Danger. Women drinking.” We belong to book clubs too–we know there’d be no club without the cabernet.
6. For your sister-in-law. “333. Only half evil.” It’s the holidays. You’re trying to be nice.
7. For your brother-in-law: “Big Richard.”
8. For your boss: “Doesn’t play well with others.” Just don’t give it till you get your Christmas bonus.
9. For the sports fan: “Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.”
10. For your best bud: “I am not Santa but you can sit on my lap.” A tshirt and a ticket to a cheap thrill…he’ll think you’re the best friend ever.