There are just a few weeks until Christmas. You could spend that time obsessing about what to wear to all those holiday parties, going on some crazy crash diet to fit into the LBD or some Robin Thicke-esque suit. Or you could just pick out one of our fun, festive and figure-forgiving tees! Here, a holiday roundup:
1. “Griswold Christmas: Where Are You Going to Put a Tree That Big?”
2. “Merry Christmas You Politically Correct Bastard.”
3. “I Kissed Santa.”
4. “Three Wise Men…You Can’t Be Serious.”
5. “I’m Not Santa (But You Can Still Sit on My Lap).”
6. “Sit on My Lap to Get Your Present.”
7. “I Don’t Know What to Say Except It’s Christmas and We’re All in Misery.”
Victoria’s Secret recently debuted its $10 million Fantasy Bra, replete with 4,200 precious gems and a very modest (Not!) 52-carat ruby pendant. The very stunning bra is made only more stunning by holding up the girls of supermodel Candice Swanepoel. If you have to cover up this beauty (the bra, not Candice) and, to be honest, we’re not sure you ever really should, may we suggest some appropriate options:
1. “Boobies Make Me Smile.” Candice, your boobies in that bra make us really, really smile.
2. “I Love Boobs.” Well, right back atcha!
3. “My Boobs. You Like This.” Of course we do! We may be insane, but we’re not stupid.
A Michigan man recently made the news when he bought the house next door to his ex-wife’s and proceeded to erect a 12-foot high statue of the glorious and expressive middle finger directed at her domicile. We gotta say, that’s pretty rad, but probably something that may draw a few complaints from the homeowners’ association. We hear ya, Mr. Flip-Her-Off, love can be a bitch, but why not say it with a shirt instead of a statue? The pros: That FU sentiment follows you when you run into her walking the dog or cutting the grass, wearing an, err, spirited shirt shouldn’t violate any of your community’s bylaws (you’re protected under the Constitution) and our tees don’t require thrice-yearly power washings. Just a quick wash and dry should do the trick to keep the shirt clean, even if the sentiment isn’t. Some suggestions?
1. Simon Says Go Fuck Yourself.
2. Fuck You. Have a Nice Day.
3. Fuck You You Fucking Fuck.
4. I Wasn’t Born with Enough Middle Fingers to Let You Know How I Feel.
5. I Used to Be Fucking Stupid. But Then We Broke Up.
Grab your stovepipe hats and 5 dollar bills everyone! Today, November 19, is the 150th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address, one of the briefest (just 10 sentences consisting of 272 words spoken in two minutes) and immortal of all speeches. What better way to honor the man and the time with our tshirts featuring Lincoln. One that seems imminently appropriate: A seated Lincoln declaring, “Be Excellent to Each Other.” Looking for a little more political edge? How about our shirt picturing a puzzled Lincoln asking, “What Do You Mean Press One for English?” Oh Abe, you always had a way with words.
Hold on to your Rolaids! The average person will consume some 4,500 calories and 229 grams of fat this Thanksgiving Day. Which makes getting into your skinny jeans the day after pretty damn impossible. Nothing wrong with staying in your PJs all day, but if you have to hit the sales (BTW, jammies are completely appropriate attire if you’re going to Walmart–trust us, we’ve checked; you might actually even be overdressed), visit some relatives or go to a football game, you may need something that’s a little more presentable but still figure-forgiving. And that’s where our utterly soft, comfy tees come in. They’re like sweatpants for your upper body! So hide that muffin top with fashion and flair. We’ve chosen 3 shirts to stretch over your belly this Fat Friday.
1. “Dear Lord, If You Can’t Make Me Skinny, Please Make My Friends Fat..” Helloooo–did you hear what we said about 4,500 calories and 229 grams of fat? We’re bettin’ even Miley Cyrus will have a wrecking-ball shape today.
2. “Fat People Are Hard to Kidnap.” Yay–now your friends and family can spend the potential ransom money on Black Friday sales.
3. “If a Fat Girl Falls in the Forest and No One Is There to See It … Do the Trees Laugh?” Probably. Sympathy doesn’t grow on trees, you know.
Who doesn’t love a nut that looks a lot like a comma? Pop one in your mouth, pause, and then chew! Yum! Palate-pleasing punctuation! This November 23, celebrate National Cashew Day like a true nut case. Here, 5 shirts befitting the occasion:
1. “You’re Nuttier Than a Squirrel Turd.”
2. “I Shook My Family Tree and a Bunch of Nuts Fell Out.”
3. “It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses a Nut.”
4. “Here’s a Photo of My Nuts.”
5. “Son of a Nutcracker.”
By all accounts–ok, only by the National Oceanic Atmospheric Adminstration’s, but they seem credible enough–we’re going to have an average winter. No crazy cold snaps, no batten-down-the-hatches blizzards, no rainfalls of Biblical proportions. Nope. Just your normal weather, which will seem like a nice change of pace from all these savage, God-must-be-mad-at-us storms of late. And what’s the perfect thing to wear when it’s not too hot, not too cold, but just right outside? A tshirt of course! Ours are all made of heavy-duty, 100 percent cotton and come in various styles–long sleeved, short sleeved, v- or crewneck. Your blood tends to be a little thin? Opt for one of our hoodies!
5 Reasons Why Gift Cards Rule
Which would you rather see under your Christmas tree: Another pair of hideous boxers or an awesome gift card? A tie festooned with penguins in santa hats or an awesome gift card? An ice scraper with your favorite NFL’s team logo on the handle or an awesome gift card? Are you catchin’ our drift here? Gift cards are the Grand Boopah of presents, and here’s why:
1. They never disappoint. You won’t have to worry about sizes, colors or styles. A gift card to a favorite place–oh, let’s say Roadkill T-shirts, for example–will always be a hit.
2. They’re easy to buy and use. No need to battle the crowds, brave the weather or browse endless racks of picked-over stuff. Gift cards let you shop from the comfort of your home (yep, you can even wear those hideous boxers while you sit at your computer–we won’t tell).
3. They won’t break the bank. Got a spending limit? Gift cards let you stay right on budget.
4. They don’t cost a lot to mail. Did you ever spend as much shipping a gift as you did buying it? Well, with a gift card all you have to do is put it in an envelope with a stamp. Let those other chumps risk varicose veins standing in those long lines at the post office.
5. They are good for everyone on your list. Kids, grandmas, balls and chains–everyone loves gift cards, especially gift cards to companies that produce really funny, really comfy tshirts!
There are a gizzillion ways to celebrate the season, and we just added three more to the repertoire!
1. “Son of a Nutcracker.” Or as we like to call him, Buddy Hobbs, an elf who was raised by humans. It’s the perfect shirt if smiling is your favorite.
2. “Uh-Oh! Guess What Day Christmas Is on This Year?” Celebrate a double header–Christmas and Hump Day, all wrapped into one glorious Wednesday. Oh Yeah!
3. “Sounds Like Somebody Needs to Sing a Christmas Carol.” Sing it loud for all to hear–it’s the best way to spread Christmas cheer! Or so says Buddy the elf–but we bet he’s right.
Everyone loves Dinosaurs…