It’s Valentine’s Day, and if you’re lucky there is a night of some hot sex ahead for you. So light some candles, pop the champagne, put Barry White on and get down and dirty with these sex-on-my-mind tees:
1. I want you inside me. That’s hot.
2. I’m gonna crumb. I’m gonna crumb.
3. Bang me!
4. Lust is that hole too.
5. I’d like to be one of the unhealthy things you put in your body this weekend.
6. I’m all in!
In what has now been described as the worst winter in 10 years, the National Oceanic Atmosphere Administration reports that there is snow on the ground in 49 of 50 states. Only Florida (where we are typing at this moment, but don’t hate us–ever been to Tampa in July? Enough said!) is snow-free. Yep, that means there is snow in the mountains of Hawaii and in the deltas of Louisiana right at this very moment. Which got us to thinking: Mother Nature must truly be having some kind of ‘roid rage to be waging such a fierce winter. If she could pick out any Roadkill tshirt, what do you think she’d choose? Given her other-worldly display of strength and stamina, we have some ideas, and they include:
1. You can’t process me with a normal brain.
2. Trust me. As you get to know me I just get weirder.
3. People say I have a bad attitude, but I say fuck’em.
4. I’m sorry. Was it my job to fill your life with joy today?
5. I just awesomed all over the place.
Hey Mother Nature, we know you truly are a force beyond all control. But turn down the torque, will ya?
Americans love their bacon, and they’re proving it with their pocketbooks. Last year alone, we spent nearly $4 million–up about 10 percent over 2013–on the salty, smoky meat. And if we must say so, it was worth every penny. If you love bacon as much as we do, show it with a shirt. Here, 5 smokin’ bacon tees:
1. Bacon makes everything better.
2. Push button. Receive bacon.
3. Every day thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat bacon.
4. I support bacon.
5. Bacon is meat candy.
Let’s face facts: Life can be a downer. Kate Upton won’t give you the time of day, you owe money on your taxes and it simply will NOT stop snowing in two-thirds of the country. What’s a guy to do? Grab a Roadkill tshirt and put on a smile, that’s what. Yep, it’s that easy. Here, we present 10 of our funniest shirts, sure to brighten the bleakest of days.
1. National Apathy Society. Become a member…or don’t.
2. My those boobs look heavy. May I hold them for you?
3. Nothing says “I mean business” like using a cart at the liquor store.
4. I used to be f*cking stupid…but then we broke up.
5. Gambler’s Anonymous. I bet I can quit!
6. Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
7. If I wanted to hear an asshole speak I would have farted.
8. I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
9. I’m good in bed. I can sleep all day.
10. Spooning may lead to forking.
On this eve of Valentine’s Day, we thought it appropriate to look through our vault and pick out some of our most romantic tees of all time. Like rose petals on satin sheets, these shirts speak of love and lust. Enjoy!
1. “I’m totally into Cheap, Meaningless Sex.” Can’t get any more direct than that!
2. “Will Buy Drinks for Sex.” Beers + Babes = Booty.
3. “Orgasm Donor.” Yep, and just like giving blood, you get free juice, too.
4. “Weekend Forecast: Mostly Wasted with a Slight Chance of Getting Laid.” We’re on cloud nine!
5. “Blow Job. The Only Job I’ll Ever Love.” Gotta agree Mr. Johnson!
Well, it’s Friday. The week has been long, the weather has been horrendous and you’re ready to kick back and enjoy the weekend with some bros, some babes and some beers. Need a shirt to evoke that, “I’m ready to party” feeling? Try one of these on for size:
1.This beer is making me awesome.
2. Alcohol. Firearms. Tobacco. Who’s bringing the chips?
3. Beer. The reason I get up in the morning.
4. Attention ladies: I’m only here for the beer.
5. Frank the tank.
6. Alcohol. Because no great story starts with a salad.
7. For a good time, just add beer.
Note to self: Do not relieve yourself on the head of a cop. An Upstate New York man found that out the hard way when he peed off the staircase (and onto the head and face of a police officer) at a frat party. The poor officer had to be treated at the hospital for bodily fluid exposure. Really? Gee whiz.
Hail to the Chiefs! Presidents’ Day will be observed this year on February 17. Pay homage to all things presidential with these political tees:
1. Curly for President.
2. Miss Me Yet?
3. What Do You Mean Press One for English?
4. Be Excellent to Each Other.
5. “A Government Big Enough to Give You Everything You Want is Big Enough to Take Away Everything You Have.” Thomas Jefferson
6. I Was Anti-Obama Before It Was Cool.
Seems like it’s customary for the Olympic athletes to flex more than muscle during the games. Hook ups are not uncommon, and in an effort to stem the spew, the International Olympic Committee is handing out over 100,000 condoms to the athletes during the Winter Games (and for the record, only about 2,800 athletes will be competing, so that’s a pretty horny bunch). Talk about domestic and foreign relations! Keep the torches burning!
Two mega milestones are taking place this week. Let’s give it up for G.I. Joe, who turns 50, and the Beatles (or what’s left of them), who are celebrating their 50th anniversary of their Ed Sullivan Show broadcast. So all together now, a 21-gun salute!