Calling all brats, know-it-alls and irksome individuals (a.k.a., Kim and Kanye, Justin Beiber and Nicki Minaj, Anthony Weiner and Charlie Sheen)–we have some property to sell you. The lawmakers and lawslayers of Grand Rapids, Michigan, have repealed a decades-old law that made it a crime to “knowingly annoy” another person. The law was given the heave-ho after it was deemed unconstitutional and unenforceable. So go ahead–be nasty, offensive, even downright intolerable. It’s all legal in Grand Rapids!
If you have to be nasty, March 8 is the day to be it. What do you wear when bad, sassy and disgusting are the order of the day? A Roadkill tshirt! Here, lots of options:
1. I pooped today.
2. Shitter’s full.
3. If you’re gonna ride my ass, you could at least pull my hair.
4. If your dick was as big as your mouth, I might be interested.
5. If I wanted to hear an asshole speak, I would have farted.
6. You’re nuttier than a squirrel turd.
7. Beavers love wood.
8. Droppin’ loads.
9. Happiness is a bitch with a cock in her mouth.
10. Swallow or it’s going in your eye.
11. Ask me about my explosive diarrhea.
God, we love Pope Francis. Here’s a guy who eschews the Pope mobile for a Ford Focus, takes selfies with the faithful and lets little kids sit in his chair. Oh, and he curses! The Holy Father apparently mispronounced the Italian word for case (caso) as cazzo (which means f*ck). Honest mistake, we know (could the Pope be anything other than honest?). But we love that the word was on the tip of his tongue. Pope Francis, you f*ck, err, we mean rock!
Oh Jeez, we hope not. But it appears Mama June is “late,” and what with Sugar Bear bragging that he’s gotten, well, some “sugar” recently, we can only surmise. As Mama June aptly put it, “Lord help us.” We couldn’t have put it it better June. The world is not ready for Baby Boo Boo.
New Jersey has wrapped. Beverly Hills is almost to its finale. And New York is up next (start chilling the pinot grigio, folks). We are in Real Houswives heaven! Really–the name calling, the cat fights, the sloppy drinking and the near-lesbo encounters. It’s addictive! Which got us to thinking. If the girls would take off their sequins for one night, which Roadkill tshirt do you think they might choose?
1. Mostly I just sit around and be fantastic all day.
2. I’m already going to hell. Now I’m just trying to get a good spot.
3. It wasn’t me.
4. I taught your boyfriend that thing you like.
5. It’s not easy being the perfect bitch.
6. People say I have a bad attitude. I say fuck’em.
7. I’m mean because you’re stupid.
8. I’m better when I’m drunk.
9. I’m into cheap, meaningless sex.
10. I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
11. Get me drunk and enjoy the show.
12. Heavily medicated for your safety.
13. I don’t get drunk. I get awesome.
Proving once again that we here at Roadkill are the NORMAL ones, a Mississippi man was recently declared dead (by a coroner, of all people, a person who should know what a heartbeat sounds like) and zipped into a body bag. Once at the funeral home with the embalming (and good thing not cremation) about to take place, they guy apparently sprung back to life and began to claw his way out of the bag. It’s a full-blown “resurrection,” declared the man’s family. And we haven’t even started Lent, let alone gotten to Easter. Jesus!
Ben & Jerry, we don’t even know if you’re real. But if you are, we think we need to give you one big old bro hug. The iconic ice cream makers just launched what could be akin to sex on a spoon. Insanely delicious ice cream wrapped around a core of gooey caramel, jam or peanut butter. Ben, Jerry, we love you dudes!
Our work here is never done. From sun up till sun down, we’re constantly on the look out for funny tshirt sayings. And because we’re a little off that way, our imaginations never let us down. Here, 4 of our funniest new offerings:
1. Always Be Sincere. Even If You Don’t Mean It.
2. When I Told You I was Normal I May Have Been Exaggarating Slightly.
3. It’s Bad Luck to Be Superstitious.
4. Does Anal Retentive Have a Hyphen?
Hollywood’s Dolby Theatre is gussying up the red carpet, Harry Winston is loaning out the diamonds and Ellen DeGeneres is lacing up her high tops. The Oscars take place this Sunday and, while we know you must be an A-lister in some things, we’re kinda of betting on the fact that you didn’t nab an Oscar invite. No worries! Let Joseph A. Banks keep the tux. We have super-cool tees that highlight some of Hollywood’s greatest cinematic achievements. Suffice it to say, if Oscar wore clothes, this is what the golden boy would choose.
1. “Average Joe’s Gym”. Hey, everybody loves an underdog.
2. “I Piss Excellence.” It’s a sad fact, but if you’re not first, you’re last. Wouldn’t you love to see Ryan Seacrest interview Ricky Bobby?
3. “Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner.” Wow, what do you think Patrick Swayze would do if Joan Rivers dissed Jennifer Grey on the red carpet?
4. “I’m Too Epic Too Fail.” We think this would be the kind of shirt Matthew McConaughey might wear to the Oscars if he had his druthers.
5. “Sorry Folks, the Park’s Closed. The Moose Out Front Should’ve Told Ya.” This shirt wins an award for favorite family fun tee of all time!
Wowzer! We just got a glimpse of the March Shape magazine cover and, well, we are VERY impressed. Fifty-six-year-old Sharon Stone looks completely hooooottttt in a white string bikini. We feel like we died and went to beach-bod heaven, what with this and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover(s). Hmmm….Kate Upton or Sharon Stone? Sharon Stone or Kate Upton? Hell, we’ll take ‘em both. At the same time please!