How’d ya like to wake up to the smell of bacon every day without ever messing up the stove or singeing your skin with hot grease. Yes, there is sheer brilliance in the world and it lives at the Oscar Mayer Institute for the Advancement of Bacon. A real place (or at least a real website) with the mission of “creating a better bacon strip and forging a brighter bacon future.” And to help with that mission, these geniuses have created a special Iphone app that can wake you with the sounds (and wait for it) smells! of sizzling bacon that “comes from an unmistable cut” and is cured for “12 tender hours.” We sooo want to go to bed right now (and it’s currently 1:32 p.m.) just so we can wake up and smell the bacon all that much sooner. Only downside: The app is not yet available for sale. But we’re pretty sure it will be available way before pigs fly.
If there’s ever a day when you might feel a little sleep deprived, it’s apt to be this Sunday, when we “jump” ahead into Daylight Savings Time. No worriezzzs. Just set your clock ahead Saturday night and grab one of these shirts Sunday morning. They’re the thing to wear when you’re feeling worn!
1. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
2. I’m just a f*cking ray of sunshine.
3. 3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other one wants to know if penguins have knees.
4. I’m good in bed. I can sleep all day.
5. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Calling all brats, know-it-alls and irksome individuals (a.k.a., Kim and Kanye, Justin Beiber and Nicki Minaj, Anthony Weiner and Charlie Sheen)–we have some property to sell you. The lawmakers and lawslayers of Grand Rapids, Michigan, have repealed a decades-old law that made it a crime to “knowingly annoy” another person. The law was given the heave-ho after it was deemed unconstitutional and unenforceable. So go ahead–be nasty, offensive, even downright intolerable. It’s all legal in Grand Rapids!
If you have to be nasty, March 8 is the day to be it. What do you wear when bad, sassy and disgusting are the order of the day? A Roadkill tshirt! Here, lots of options:
1. I pooped today.
2. Shitter’s full.
3. If you’re gonna ride my ass, you could at least pull my hair.
4. If your dick was as big as your mouth, I might be interested.
5. If I wanted to hear an asshole speak, I would have farted.
6. You’re nuttier than a squirrel turd.
7. Beavers love wood.
8. Droppin’ loads.
9. Happiness is a bitch with a cock in her mouth.
10. Swallow or it’s going in your eye.
11. Ask me about my explosive diarrhea.
God, we love Pope Francis. Here’s a guy who eschews the Pope mobile for a Ford Focus, takes selfies with the faithful and lets little kids sit in his chair. Oh, and he curses! The Holy Father apparently mispronounced the Italian word for case (caso) as cazzo (which means f*ck). Honest mistake, we know (could the Pope be anything other than honest?). But we love that the word was on the tip of his tongue. Pope Francis, you f*ck, err, we mean rock!
Oh Jeez, we hope not. But it appears Mama June is “late,” and what with Sugar Bear bragging that he’s gotten, well, some “sugar” recently, we can only surmise. As Mama June aptly put it, “Lord help us.” We couldn’t have put it it better June. The world is not ready for Baby Boo Boo.
New Jersey has wrapped. Beverly Hills is almost to its finale. And New York is up next (start chilling the pinot grigio, folks). We are in Real Houswives heaven! Really–the name calling, the cat fights, the sloppy drinking and the near-lesbo encounters. It’s addictive! Which got us to thinking. If the girls would take off their sequins for one night, which Roadkill tshirt do you think they might choose?
1. Mostly I just sit around and be fantastic all day.
2. I’m already going to hell. Now I’m just trying to get a good spot.
3. It wasn’t me.
4. I taught your boyfriend that thing you like.
5. It’s not easy being the perfect bitch.
6. People say I have a bad attitude. I say fuck’em.
7. I’m mean because you’re stupid.
8. I’m better when I’m drunk.
9. I’m into cheap, meaningless sex.
10. I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
11. Get me drunk and enjoy the show.
12. Heavily medicated for your safety.
13. I don’t get drunk. I get awesome.
Proving once again that we here at Roadkill are the NORMAL ones, a Mississippi man was recently declared dead (by a coroner, of all people, a person who should know what a heartbeat sounds like) and zipped into a body bag. Once at the funeral home with the embalming (and good thing not cremation) about to take place, they guy apparently sprung back to life and began to claw his way out of the bag. It’s a full-blown “resurrection,” declared the man’s family. And we haven’t even started Lent, let alone gotten to Easter. Jesus!
Ben & Jerry, we don’t even know if you’re real. But if you are, we think we need to give you one big old bro hug. The iconic ice cream makers just launched what could be akin to sex on a spoon. Insanely delicious ice cream wrapped around a core of gooey caramel, jam or peanut butter. Ben, Jerry, we love you dudes!
Our work here is never done. From sun up till sun down, we’re constantly on the look out for funny tshirt sayings. And because we’re a little off that way, our imaginations never let us down. Here, 4 of our funniest new offerings:
1. Always Be Sincere. Even If You Don’t Mean It.
2. When I Told You I was Normal I May Have Been Exaggarating Slightly.
3. It’s Bad Luck to Be Superstitious.
4. Does Anal Retentive Have a Hyphen?